It’s a very bleak Wednesday morning and I’ve just got back from what should have been a rehab training session, unfortunately cut short due to shooting pain. You see, for almost 7 months now I’ve been battling with a knee injury that just won’t get better.
Where it started
Back in June of last year, I was visiting my friends in the States, who just so happened to be doing a 100-mile bike ride that weekend. I, not being one to miss out on a challenge, threw myself in feet-first and got to pedalling. To add some context to the challenge, my longest prior distance was 30-miles at a leisurely pace with my mum. The guys I was riding with were in full swing Ironman training! Now, the ride was great, incredibly tough but great, and I finished the day with a great sense of satisfaction and just some minor pain in my knee. Having played sports my whole life, there’s rarely been a long period in which something doesn’t feel quite right.
The following months
On returning from my trip, I kept my bags packed and headed to London as I was starting a new job in the big smoke. Aside from the job itself, one of the things I was most excited about was being able to commute by bike. My previous two jobs both involved long car journeys, so the idea of being able to convert that dormant time into some training was something I was looking forward to, especially as I would be able to get in almost 100 miles a week, just from commuting! Easy miles, right?
The problem
That niggling knee pain didn’t seem to be going anywhere. I began cycling and continued to run, thinking “Maybe if I just run more and don’t cycle every day, I’ll be giving the injury area a rest.” What kind of stupid logic is that? I continued on, ignoring the pain, assuming that if I just didn’t do any long rides at the weekend, it would get better. Believe or not… it didn’t!
Fuck yourself up why not
Having committed to a charity ride, cycling from London to Brussels, earlier in the year, it was something I really didn’t want to give up, especially as it would be my first bike-packing adventure. My knee pain was becoming somewhat steady: not getting better, not getting worse, so I thought maybe it’ll be ok. Of course, it wasn’t. Following a pleasantly ok first day which featured a hilly 100-mile ride from London to Dover, the rest turned into a painfest. With what I can only attribute to incorrect bike fit, I could no longer wear a cleat on my left foot, so rode the following two days practically with one leg. The remainder of the year would see me drastically reduce my mileage but continue to cycle and train.
What’s up doc?
In England, thanks to the NHS, when we go to the doctors with a problem we’re not left with a gaping in hole in our pocket. The downside is that the time taken to be seen is significantly longer. So, having first seen a doc in November, I’ve now finally been referred to a physio, had MRI scans and have people aiding my recovery. However, after all this and the hope I’m putting in the physio, I’m coming to the realisation that the real problem is me!
Goggins mentality
Getting into endurance sports at around the same time as David Goggins was becoming a thing, probably wasn’t a good thing. His mentality is something I gravitated towards and it pushed me in the direction of training harder to achieve my physical goals no matter what. The downside of this tough mental attitude is that when you are not fit, you end up doing yourself no favours and pushing yourself over the edge. Perfect case in point, me! I was locked into the idea of becoming that guy who could push harder and train harder than anyone, but at what expense?
Finding rationale
Giving myself a break, it’s been horrendous timing in terms of goals and life situation. Moving back to England with one of my sole aims being to complete an Ironman; then moving to London where riding a bike is almost a necessity for commuting; getting two great opportunities for biking adventure with friends; and my mind being influenced by the crazy characters on social media has all led to a strong sense of denial:
1. My knee is going to get better without doing anything about it.
2. Continue to set physical goals such as cycle/run x amount, completely contradicting my rehab.
3. Incorrectly rehabbing due a lack of research and laziness.
When I write them out or talk about them to the physio, they all seem super obvious, but for the simple fact that I’m in my own head with the blinkers on, I’ve simply overlooked the facts and have never properly addressed the issue.
My mental
This has led me to beat myself up more and more. Seven months down and with an injury that seems to cycle through stages of shit and not so shit (never good), it’s starting to beat me down. While I fully understand that I really need to dedicate myself to rehabbing, I fear feeling shit physically and mentally because of it. I’ve spent the last few years trying to define myself separately to sports, but I can’t deny that it is a huge part of me and without it I simply don’t tick the right way.
Hindsight is great. If only I’d done this. If only I’d done that. I do well to stay away from those negative thoughts, but if I could go back I would tell myself to shed some pride and slow down! Although, I know for a fact that if I was dealing with what I thought was a minor injury and reading this, I would overlook that advice. However, having never really felt regret like this, it’s something I wanted to share.
As always, this has been a great way for me to reflect and hopefully learn from my mistakes because in the endurance world, if you don’t take care of your body, who will? I’ll leave you with a great quote I heard the other day by endurance athlete Chadd Wright,
“Be hard when it gets hard, nobody needs to be hard all the time”.
As always thanks for reading my woes, highs to come!
Ryan