How do I begin to collate my thoughts and wrap up a year so different to what most of us could comprehend. After reading last year’s blog, summarizing my year and looking forward at what was to come, I just chuckle to myself. In that, I have realized that while I will always have grand plans and ambitions, much of it can’t be predicted.
So, hello and welcome back to my thoughts. It has been a while but I love the practice of getting them down on paper and solidifying them in time. This blog is a recap of what I’ve learned over the past year and the experiences that have accompanied them.
Mental health
Mental health is something I’m cautious to discuss as skeptically I felt it has become somewhat of a buzz word circulating social media the past couple years. However, that could be my issue right there. If I’m being honest, pre-pandemic, I was really struggling to understand why I was doing what I was e.g. living in London, long-distance relationship, certain job. I understood my initial reasoning was for growth and to push boundaries and experiences, but it was so uncomfortable compared to what I could imagine as more cushy life closer to home or back in America.
Then the pandemic hits and everything you thought was complicated before is now x10. Now, I was lucky with the pandemic in many ways; I didn’t have to go on furlough, was able to save some money moving back home, and spent more time with my family. However, the overarching feeling that has developed throughout this time is a sense of entrapment. That I’m now stuck in a place with limited options and solutions to make things happen. This feeling became overwhelming at times and lead to much negative introspection. This was frustrating for a couple reasons.
One, because I actively fight against a victims-mentality. The notion that if something is happening to you it’s because of something else. I’m in the camp that if something is affecting you, 95% of the time, it is well in your control to change that and deal with it. Yet I found that I was falling into all these scenarios of blaming myself and having to dig myself back out again.
Two, a lack of understanding surrounding mental health. As I mentioned earlier I’ve been a skeptic on the subject. Having quite a dominant personality, it’s an area of weakness I see in myself which I frankly don’t like. The correlation between my mood has mirrored a bunch of decisions since graduation, however I’m quick to remind myself of a quote by Robin Sharma “the soreness of growth is so much less expensive than the devastating costs of regret”. Every decision I’ve made since graduation is through the lens of avoiding regret and looking towards the bigger picture. But, that doesn’t mean that my human tendency will stop screaming “I want it now!.”
While these areas have been challenging, there are always positives to take away from what I’m learning. My biggest one being the importance of discussion. Nothing revolutionary here, but the act of consciously seeking it certainly has been. I have been able to experience this through a ‘performance coach’ (really just a therapist) that I was able to access for free through a work resource. Throughout the year I have had numerous sessions in which I’ve been able to discuss issues to an outside source and have them professionally deciphered in order to properly process those thoughts and be provided with alternative perspectives and solutions. I’ve found this invaluable, and while I have been accessing this resource for free, it’s something that I will definitely continue long past my time there.
Due to COVID and the lonely nature of a pandemic, we no longer have those random conversations with friends, work colleagues, and strangers. Nearly all discussions are through a virtual platform and are prefaced by a subject. This has made me understand the importance of community discussion and led me to actively seek that conversation. Without it, it’s easy to feel alone and separated from your regular life, whereas before this was never a second thought. So, the value and emphasis I’m now put into having a conversation is something I hope to carry on moving forward.
I understand my skepticism around mental health is just dumb, ill-education and wishing to remain oblivious to experiencing it myself. It is a real thing and something that should be addressed openly and honestly. With so many resources now available to help combat this, it’s something that I will be continuing to learn about moving forward.
Physical health
The woes of my physical health have been a constant learning experience over the last year and a half. At the beginning of the year, I had hoped that a certain injury would have been dealt with by now, however I find myself in similar position, even slightly worse. While this is difficult to deal with, there is also some realization and acceptance that comes with time. I’ve found that I’m slowly getting to a place where I’m able to accept my physical limitations and focus on ways to continue doing sports I love without overing doing it.
If you know me, you’ll know physical activity is in my DNA. I literally can’t sit still and need activity, competition, fitness, and personal development to just feel normal. All this means that when I gravitate to a new sport or activity, it doesn’t take but a few hours for me to be all in for the next couple months, pushing myself to learn and be the best I can at whatever it is.
Now, these new ventures bring many learning experiences. One of the most common being changes to my body and certain muscles groups that I need to learn to use correctly. However, I’m also realizing that I’m addicted to the practice of learning new things and seeing improvements as it’s always at the beginning that you’re most likely to see rapid change. Whether it’s running, swimming, cycling or golf, all of these I have experienced growth in the last two years, so now sticking to them both physically and mentally is the next task.
For practically anything I do in life, football is my grounding metaphor. It just makes sense and in this case, I use it to remind myself of the journey I had taken over decades to develop a skill. With that comes understanding that it’s not going to happen in a day, a year, or a couple of years, but over a prolonged period of time and most likely, you’re going to need some help along the way, be it a team or a coach to support the journey in order to reach new levels.
That being said, I no longer see a singular sport being my path to enjoyment, so I’m allowing myself to flex around multiple sports and activities, learning new skills and being honest with myself that if one avenue is hindered by injury, there is likely other avenues that are available to continue getting my fix. Yet, I do need to work on addressing injuries quicker, but what can I say. Sometimes you’re just all in.
Long distance relationship
What a year for people doing long-distance relationships. Especially abroad, may I add. If there’s one learning I would offer from last year’s events, it’s that your relationship with someone in the eyes of the law is but a figment of the imagination if not in person or on paper. Of course, we’re able to keep socially connected at the touch of a button, but without the above, that physical connection can’t be guaranteed.
Yet, Alana and I were able to flip the year on its’ head and turn the complications into a major win. What was originally planned to be 4 weeks together in a whole year turned into 4 months! And more importantly, we got engaged! Border closures, travel restrictions, and cancelled flights all made the first half of the year increasingly difficult. The uncertainty of not knowing how things are going to change and the inability to plan was increasing our anxiety on the daily. All of this was forcing me into a place of less options and tunnel vision, so when the opportunity arose to fix it I took my chance. As you may have seen, I was able to get to America through Croatia, you can see the full story of that here. But for me the whole thing was kind of a test on two fronts.
One, a test of our relationship. Not that it needed another hurdle, but this pandemic has offered challenges we may never face again in our lifetime and personally I’m proud of the way we’ve been able to manage the last 2+ years separated and last year was no difference. Super solid in our foundation, over-coming these obstacles only makes me more excited for when we’re able to live as a normal couple, as the more shit you have to deal with together, the closer your stories intertwine.
Secondly, and a bit more selfishly, David Goggins says “Sometimes you need to re-certify the savage” and me making the decision to get to America and finally propose to Alana was me doing that in a way. It’s easy to talk about the person we are or want to become, living it is often a different matter. That kind of decision and control is something I always believed in myself, but it’s always good to re-certify every once in a while. So, capping the year with our story being shared on the BBC has only reaffirmed all my beliefs about decision making.
Friends and Family
I think as I get older my understanding of the importance of relationships only grows. As I discussed in a recent podcast, my experience living away from home in the US made me address this early on. Being away from family and friends for prolonged periods of time makes you evaluate the way you approach it all and the things that really matter. Last years’ experience was much of the same, all be it that we were isolated in our homes.
A large reason for moving back to England was to be with family and friends and to avoid feeling as if I had just forgotten about everyone as I continue a life in America. I’m happy to say that much of that feeling is no longer there as I’ve been able to have experiences and firm up foundations that will last a lifetime. But, being back in America this year was great as always. To know that I still have a community of people out there that are on the same wave length makes me excited for my return.
Creativity
Oooooo creativity. Something that I feel is surely necessary in every human. The process of taking a thought and turning into something is so powerful. The challenge last year and going forward is to understand how I’m able to tap into those creative channels more frequently and consistently. I’m writing this blog at the tail-end of three weeks off work, after a year in which the most holiday I took was 2 consecutive days. It’s sad to say but my creative mind almost feels whole again. The drudge of living the same week over and over again for a year is a quick compressor to creative thought, however with that I was still able to explore some new avenues along with develop existing ones.
My creative ventures, to which you can find mostly on this site, have become increasingly personal to myself. In that, I’m not much of pusher surrounding the work I do. Once I’ve created something, I’ll likely share it once and then just let it live. The reason behind this, again much like football, is that I feel the work should speak for itself. However, this may be to my detriment as if no can see it, no one can say anything. That being said, I still truly am unsure about the bigger purpose, it all still feels very exploratory to me and I plan to continue developing myself across text, audio, video and photo and maybe something else. There is no cap.
I do want to take this chance to talk about other people who are creating things for themselves, whatever it may be. I applaud you and look up to you in the highest. Seeing people try to start their own thing or explore new interests, no matter how much of melon you may feel or think you look, you get major props. Everyone’s got an opinion and I think for most people around my age (25), if you are doing something for yourself, you’re most likely in a development and growth stage and I think too often in today’s society, this is confused with the finished product. I try to look at everyone’s work as a chapter in a story. Usually, if you step back you’re able to see patterns that begin to piece the work they’re currently doing as development of something prior. This is exciting! And I’m here to champion those of you who are climbing ladders you may not know even exist yet.
Work
The traditional working world is a mystical beast I’m still really trying to understand. On one side my dreamer brain is struggling to comprehend the importance of much of the work we do, while my practical side can see how much I’ve learned and developed in the past year. Having grown up in sports teams where there is a very clear dynamic about how a team needs to operate in order to win, it’s clear to see each players role and their impact on the wider success via the showcase of weekly matches.
The world of traditional work and the characters it brings offers a dynamic I still feel unfamiliar with. The remote working environment that has taken over our lives has only complicated this. The separation between home and work is disappearing and the community aspect of the office has gone. We’re just getting our jobs done. I’m ok with it for now as I feel lucky to have continued working throughout this time. However, I don’t feel that it’s sustainable working in a one dimensional environment if it were to be forever per say.
What did offer a new dimension and something that I was excited to practice, was remote working in a different environment, that being America. Doing my UK based job yet living in America for 3 months was probably the highlight of my year. Mainly because I was able to experience some kind of normalcy with weekend trips and restaurant outings, but also because I proved to myself that I was able to continue doing the job to a high standard while being abroad.
So, there you have it. Another year wrapped. It’s been a weird one, but one like many others in that there was a lot to take away from it. I’m excited for 2021 and to read this back in a years’ time to see where I’m at and what’s changed. As always, as much as this is for me it’s also place to start discussions and conversations should any of it relate.
Appreciate you taking the time to read, keep it Eazy.